I have had a sense of relief when new babies have been born healthy and safe. I cry that the wait for the moms and dads is over and they all are okay. I do wish to have what they have now, and yet I guard my corner with a jealous eye. Some of the relief is that they will not be going through what we are. If someone has to be grieving it is going to be us! It's really strange and I have to examine this. I know it is not true at all. Grieving is not ours alone--this very experience is not ours alone. Even these new parents who have healthy babies are grieving in real ways lack of sleep and sometimes post-partum depression. (I know that this is something I am grateful I didn't have even though looking at my six week follow-up survey would have raised alarm bells in normal circumstances.) I have to remind myself of the good. I must remind myself that we are okay and so is Gordon. If I let jealousy reign in any form I will forget that. And so I am confessing it. Done. Done being green.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
1 comment:
Thank you for sharing your confession and being so honest. I can see the temptation as you describe it. Emotions can be so screwy. I've been trying to grapple what it means to love. It's so huge, so different, so difficult. I often wonder if I know what it means. Your confession and desire to let go of jealousies is love. I know I love you. That's an easy one. So now it's just the loving others stuff.
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