The French, "Occupe-toi de tes oignons" et "Mêle-toi de tes affaires" are expressions that are more aggressive than the Spanish, "Zapatero a tus zapatos." They all mean: "Mind your own business." I am wondering whether or not this could ever be my unspoken response to questions I have encountered lately.
How do I answer the questions--"What's new in your life?" or, "How have you been?" I used to ask these questions myself. Was I really looking for an answer? Did I want to know the truth? Was I making polite conversation?
Now every time I answer with truth I wonder about my intent. Am I looking for sympathy? Do I just want to honour Gordon? Does it honour him to tell everyone? Why don't I just get on with the polite conversation...it would be quicker..."Oh, not much, how about you?" Shouldn't I just keep my pain from others and say it's my business? I think it would be easier; people wouldn't have to worry about what to do with their faces and I wouldn't have to either.
But I can't. In some ways it is good to peel back the onions, remove my zapatos and melt the beeswax. No mask--just me. And Gordon will always be a part of my life story. (But this is a fairly small city and just when I think everyone who could possibly know, knows...someone approaches me with the question.) What would happen if I didn't say anything? I know that a friendship with Sarah was renewed as we found out we are both in a season of mourning because I did not keep Gordon to myself. I heard from a respected MLA her story of her stillbirth, a daughter, 34 years ago all because I answered her question, "Do you have any kids?" And although I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, I also am keenly aware that grief is universal. It doesn't do any good to pretend that I have unpenetrable armour on. I do know that everything has a time and a place--I do not have to bear my soul to all--that also doesn't honour Gordon. And so I will continue to choose how to respond. I will continue to ask myself my own questions. I will continue on. That is what I must do.
Psalm 15
I want to speak the truth from my heart.
2 comments:
Hi Jenn,
I hate the question "do you have any kids?" Not so much for me, but I have so many friend who have been trying for year to have children without success. Each time someone innocently asks the question I think of their pain and wonder how people could do that to them.
Sometimes when asked, I'd like to respond with a smart-aleck response to teach that person a lesson that not everyone appreciates the question.
Then I realize that people are trying to be friendly. For some, asking "do you have any kids?" is as commonplace as saying "how are you today?"
I say, if they ask, they should be told - in a pleasant manner. To tell people about Gordon is not seeking sympathy, it's celebrating him and what he means to you. You can't sweep his memory under the rug to spare someone else's feelings.
I'm sure it is hard to share. I know it is hard even for me to share. I think also that it brings life and meaning and love to the forefront when you share if people ask. I have found myself resisting to tell people who don't ask. I have this weird urge to tell my pediatrician. Why would I tell him? He can't do anything about it. I'm sure he has seen situations like this before. I don't know why the urge is there. But I also don't think it's fair to gloss over our experiences when people are genuinely interested. I guess the genuinely is up for interpretation. I do think people ask out of a desire to converse and connect.
Post a Comment