With Grief there are so many contradictions of emotions. I often feel two completely different emotions at the same time! There are times that I want to talk about Gordon and being pregnant with him--he is my son! Other times when people ask, "How are you doing?" With that overly concerned look I feel like saying, "I am more than my grief! There is more to me than being a mother who lost her child." But I also know that people are well-intentioned and what I am feeling and experiencing is all a part of the grieving process. I thought that anger would come in the form of outright anger at God. It didn't...instead it can be an annoyance at the smallest things. Early on I was annoyed and angry one night when looking for clothes to wear for a banquet. As for God...I know He is carrying us in our time of grief. And yes grieving is good. It reminds me of the people who love me. It reminds me that I had a precious baby. It reminds me that I am moving on and that life is good. And besides that, grief cannot and will not be avoided. Someday it will be on all of our doorsteps. So it is best that I am dealing with my "Good Grief!" moments now. You're a good man Charlie Brown.
5 comments:
Grief is difficult for everyone to handle. Whether you are the one that has experienced the lose, or the one wanting to comfort. Grieving has been around from the begining of time and we still fall short in the position of not knowing the right thing to say. My friends that have lost loved ones have said they enjoy hearing people comment on the funny things that person has said or done, because that lets them know they are still remembered and missed. Unfortunately we didn't have the opportunity to know Gordon. We do carry in our memory the excitement Angela had telling us she was going to be an aunt. We also hold close to our hearts your chronicle of your pregnancy and how much you enjoyed every minute. I guess those are the good memories we can hold close to our hearts. Love you Jenn.
I want you to know that I will never be offended if one day you interupt my questioning to say: I don't want to talk about it anymore or now and then if another day you interupt to say, I really want to talk about Gordon or the pregnancy. I can never totally understand, but I want to allow you the liberty to know that my heart is all the way for you, even when your heart can't tell which way to go.
It is amazing for me to see how you are coping with the loss. I am sure you remember that I was at a loss how to behave. Being on the other side of the world makes it even more difficult to find the right words at the right times.
Your comment reminded me of the cross stitching I made for your wedding. Now it seems a bit ironical to me.
"During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
I like the tie to charlie brown, that's cute...
I want to say, I know what you mean. sometimes, i wanna talk about it and then other times, if someone asks about caleb, i am caught off guard and get annoyed that they brought it up...
The great thing about a life following Christ is that we lay our lives down. His yoke is easy and burden light. And in laying it all down, makes for a definite lighter load.
I can relate with much of this.
God is good.
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