One month

It has been one month since I delivered our beautiful baby Gordon. Sometimes I wonder where the time has gone. My body is still healing but much progress has been made--and what about the rest of me? Grief can be strange. I can be laughing one moment and the next sobbing. Almost anything triggers thoughts of Gordon: hearing his name in a commercial, listening to music, quiet moments in a conversation… At times my thoughts take me back, to my pregnancy, or to the recent past before and after not hearing his heartbeat. At times my thoughts take me forward to a future we won’t have with him: nursing him, witnessing his many firsts, wrestling and playing with my boy on the floor. And sometimes my thoughts take me to that peaceful place where he is now waiting for us. I ache because he is gone, because we won’t get to see who he might have become. I am grateful we got to hold Gordon. But the time we held him will never be enough. I have never ached for Heaven before like I do now. So much of the Bible was written as hearts cried out their sorrow to God. David knew this. Jesus knew this too; he wept. Those upbeat hymns about heaven—what are they really about? Will we be able to contain ourselves, our laughter and tears when we see those most precious to us? I know I won’t. I know there will be many reminders this Christmas that he is gone…the image of Mother and Child alone will remind me. And yet He is with us, and so is Gordon.