Everlasting Praise

Our son Gordon had two rooms ready: one with words written on the wall that said "Everlasting" and "Praise," and the other (the room that Gordon occupies now), is truly the place of Everlasting Praise. I don't know why I chose these words specifically...but that is where he is and that is who he is. We are all on a journey... in which our lives are to be an everlasting praise of God. It is sometimes the hardest thing to do and to be. Oftentimes I don't feel like praising. Oftentimes my thoughts are very earthbound in the here and now.

This season is one of beauty and pain for me, of deep sorrow and of peace. The decorations are up. My sweet nephew and niece are here. The snow continues to fall each day. Carols play. I am looking forward to giving the gifts that I bought. And yet it is so easy for the tears to come--often right after laughter. It is so easy to feel the ache of emptiness and loss. Sometimes walking in grief I forget things or lose focus. Sometimes I get angry and annoyed. Sometimes it is hard to realize that I am the same person who is also very changed.

Who I am now? Last year I played Mary on Christmas morning for our service. I imagined what it would be like to have a baby...to not know what the future would hold...to eventually have to let go. This year I have lived that joy and pain. I had to let go of my baby before I held him.

Gordon was spared the pain of this world. I am grateful that he lives in Everlasting Praise. And yet, someday I want to have a child who will live in this world. I want to parent. I want to live through moments whispering, "If I could do this for you I would," (Just like my mother and John's mother did for me), wanting to spare my child pain: teething pain, hurt feelings, scraped knees...
While I am grateful for the peace and calm of the nursery now, I want a room that will be noisy with my baby's cries. That is what life in this world is about. Joy and pain. Don't get me wrong...if I could have this cup of pain pass from me, I would let it go. Instead it is my will I have to let go of. What do I hang onto? What is this cup? At times the cup is bittersweet. But oh it can be beautiful too. It is the cup of communion that we all share in. It is a cup of everlasting praise.