“I couldn’t do that.” I have heard this said many times before. (I’ve even said it myself). When taking my insulin, working at Camp Easter Seal, dealing with my hair, and now grieving our son, Gordon, I’ve heard other people say, “I couldn’t handle that” or wonder, “Could I handle that?” Always in the back of my mind are the words (and sometimes I’ve said them out loud), “You would if you had to.”
It’s strange that I pretty much did have the “Could I handle that?” conversation. In October, while expecting our baby, a few friends from church and I discussed losing a child, and how difficult and unimaginable that would be. We even knew people who had gone through it and remained faithful. In our small groups we were looking at a book called Second Guessing God, we specifically talked about suffering and death. Could I have imagined what we would be going through, a week or a few days after these discussions? Should I have foreseen it? No!
The other day I was telling John I couldn’t have made it through the delivery without him beside me. He answered, “Yes you could have. You have your family and you have God.” He was right. The truth is God enables us to sleep at night and to get up in the morning. It isn’t by our own strength that we face each day.
So do I have a choice? Sometimes it doesn’t seem like much of a choice. I certainly don’t feel brave and strong. Ange and I were talking about how it doesn’t feel like I have a choice. Ange mentioned I might feel much like Peter when he was asked by Jesus, “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Peter answered, “Lord, to whom shall we go?” What kind of choice is there?
And yet Pella reminded me in another conversation I have made a choice—like all the choices we make everyday. I choose to love John, to honour him for better or worse. I choose to take care of my health—to eat when I don’t feel like it and blood test. I choose to have faith, even when it hurts, especially when it hurts.
A good friend Jay mentioned on his blog “A visit with a friend after the graveside service involved a tearful imagining that she and her husband might not survive if they had to walk John & Jenn’s road. She simply wasn’t sure if they would pull through together.” Thankfully we do not see the future and we do not have to answer this question ahead of time. But we do make choices. Everyday.
John 6:68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord to whom shall we go?”
“Lord help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together cannot handle.”
6 comments:
Hi Jenn and John,
In the midst of our turmoil this summer the words of a song I knew as a child echoed in my head
"Strength for today is mine always, and all that I'll need for tomorrow,
The Lord knows the way through the wilderness, All I have to do is follow"
I pray for your continued strength and I am so proud of you. God bless you with his comfort.
Love,Stan and Maxine
See Jennifer, that's exactly how I feel. I wouldn't know if I could do it. It is so scary, it is beyond anything that I every had to handle. But if you have someone besides you who holds your hand on the way it seems less scary.
I am so glad that you to found each other and support each other. I know that families and couples broke up over such a loss and I am so greatful that you both have all this support and all this love.
You know that I will be there over Christmas and since Andrew needs to work I have time. Just give me a shout and I will help you in anyway I can. And if I just cook or clean or whatever, I don't mind.
Love,
Andra
obviously loosing a child is one of the hardest lifechanging events to face, but we all have something, our own struggles. They vary in degree and severity, but no ones life is perfect and the only perfect being had one of the most difficult lives and most horrendous deaths ever. I think we have the challenge to face each and every difficulty with faith and love. That is what it means to be an overcomer. Overcome our selfishness, greed, pain, anger... wether it be over a fender bender, not getting what I want or more traumatic circumstances such as illness, death... We have the priviledge of living in a place where there is not war, terror, famine, pestilence... on every side. That is not to take away from the pain of Gordon going on from us, but should make us thankful that so few of us are taken early, that we often live long and very comfortable lives compared to most of humanity. This pain we feel also ties us with people around the world who have lost children/nephews/cousins/parents. I am thankful, ever so thankful that John and Jenn are rooted together in the rock of Christ so that they are firm even when it feels as though the floor has caved in.
"I couldn't do that" isn't part of your vocabulary.
Travelling the world by yourself, writing songs and entire musicals without any extensive music training...just a few examples.
You are right, you are never alone as long as you have faith in God, and His power, His strength and His healing. It is by God's amazing grace, your love for Him and for one another, and your desire to honour Gordon's memory and life that you will get through this. God bless both of you everyday of your life.
Love Jeannette
Jenn & John
I have been thinking about you every single day since i found out what happened to your precious baby. My heart has been breaking for you. I lost 2 babies (2 miscarriages) and i can't even imagine what you are going through. I had a hard enought time with that. I have tried to write on here so many times but can never get through without crying. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers and that i am thinking of you guys constantly. I can't wait until i come to Saskatoon to give you a big hug. I love you Jenn!!
Love, Jaelyn
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