When someone excitedly tells me, "Congratulations!" I smile. I am happy. I am excited. I remind myself. (My smile nevers matches the reaction of others). I am also preserving myself. Preserving and saving myself from what? From too much. Too much outward emotion.
This external excitement that others show does not come close to what I am feeling--does not give it justice. It is completely paradoxical. Sweet Sarah knows. She laid her son to rest as she carried Elishah in her womb. How can I exult? This baby that I now carry...is not in my arms. Yet I have to trust that someday he or she will be. I have to believe that. In some ways I cannot live by my own past experience. And yet the pregnancy with Gordon was good and I have been here before: testing, exercising, planning....feeling my body change, feeling tired. I did all this--recently! It has almost been eight months and now here I am counting in weeks again. Counting days, waiting for the next doctor's appointment...here comes the 12 week marker then...
Tomorrow there is a ceremony at Woodlawn Cemetery to commemorate the babies who have died this past year. I know I am not alone in this. I know that faith and grace have sustained us. I know that I do have hope. I am happy that I am expecting. But I am not overly and outwardly showing that. I don't know how else to be.
3 comments:
Congratulations, my dear. It is kind of strange that I should read that you are pregnant again at this moment, because I was thinking about you three or four days ago. I had a feeling that you would be giving this very announcement very soon. I am very happy for you. You and John will be in my thoughts and prayers. I love you.
Hi Jenn;
It is ironical that you posted this blog today....yesterday a friend asked me if I was excited about the coming baby..I answered yes of course, but also added that I couldn't help keep from holding a bit of myself back from TOTAL excitement...maybe due to self preservation, maybe in memory of Gordon.Anyway, as much as I can, without being in your shoes I think that I understand a little of what you are saying.There are a jumble of emotions. happiness being the main one. Everytime I get thinking all this ,I just give you and John and our new grandchild over to God's care and you couldn't ask for a better caregiver !
love Sue
Thank you for being so transparent and for trying to put into words what you are feeling and thinking throughout this journey. Ivan was asking who was in the picture you gave us of the three of you. Of course he knew you and John, but wanted to know about Gordon. The expression "time heals" seems mildly deceptive. Yes, strength comes and the immediate harshness fades somewhat, but we are forever different, we will always miss Gordon as we could have known him- even as we anticipate this next child. And we pray and hope all will go well with you and this baby.
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