Tomorrow--his first birthday

A lot has happened this past year. A lot of good has happened. I am grateful for each day. I cannot help but look back and think how different things are today than a year ago. In some ways the same. And so today's post and tomorrow's is about that time and about our son, Gordon Hector Wallace.

Telling It Over Again
In each re-telling
there comes a little bit of healing,
a little more acceptance
of the reality of our loss.

In each re-telling
there comes another acknowledgement,
of the uniqueness of the personhood
of our precious missing child.

In each re-telling
there comes a little less uncertainty,
a little more internal peace
of the finality of their death.

In each re-telling
there comes a greater recognition,
an important affirmation
of the memories we hold dear.

In each re-telling
we seek a patient audience,
who'll graciously accept our need
to tell them one more time.
(c) Miriam Blake 1997

My labour story written a year ago:

On November 1^st we had a different day in mind. I had been expecting a phone call to come in to the hospital to be induced. Instead, we were the ones making the phone call because my waters broke. What excitement! Last week Bob Parker spoke of how we do not see what God sees ahead of time. For that we are thankful. It is a saving grace that He sees the big picture. We went upstairs in the hospital to fetal assessment and that is where things began to change.

The nurse could not get a heartbeat on the monitor. More waiting, more staff. We had an ultrasound done and again; there was no heartbeat. Finally we were lead into the fetal echo ultrasound room, a room I had been in months before. There we were told, “Unfortunately there is no heartbeat.” It all became clear and real. I have never known grief like this or love like this. My mom, John and I cried out in unison and then just cried. We held each other. Then the long day of labour and telling our family began. (Long is an understatement.) We waited for a birthing room and waited for more internal checks to see how far I was dilated. We waited on IVs, waited on doctors and nurses and they in turn waited on us. The concern was not on delivering a baby who was healthy and crying. The concern was for me to be healthy and well while delivering someone we had already lost.

My first question was a request that would be discouraged. Could I have a c-section? The baby’s head was already in the right direction for natural birth. It would take longer for me to heal with a c-section. Every operation has its own risk. These are things that I needed to hear. I needed to be told that my health was important. I later learned that delivering my baby would in itself be a healing experience for me. And so began the journey of contractions, and breathing, dilation and eventually pushing.

On Nov 2nd at about 1:00pm our baby Gordon Hector Wallace was born straight into the arms of God. He was a big, beautiful baby boy, weighing 10lbs 3ounces. I endured over 30hours of very hard labour, but is now doing very well.

We held a small family funeral service in the hospital chapel on Friday afternoon. Although there were tears, and although this was difficult for everyone, it was healing and a part of saying goodbye to our son. We know many of you were there with us in spirit.

There are no rules for grieving, and many of you may not know how to speak with us, but please do. If this is just about our sorrow, and we don’t allow others to hurt with us, there is so little meaning in it.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It is helping us greatly to know that there is so much support for us during this time. We will have much to face in the next while, but we know that God has both us and our baby surrounded by love right now.

We love you all.